some time ago i listened to a stuff you should know podcast which was telling us about how your personality can be inherited from your parents/grandparents' genes. basically the genetic makeup of that person can actually be passed down to you that makes you the way you are. this applies to physical attributes and also emotional. eg a pregnant mother who got exposed to stress might give birth to a baby who is predisposed to being "on edge"

then yesterday it struck me that this might be the case with me. mom was telling me last time that when she was pregnant with me she had noone accompany her to doctor checkups and she actually went alone to give birth to me. my dad was still in cilacap i think. and if she was thinking the whole time about how alone she was and how she cant rely on anyone, it may be why i grow up to be fiercely independent and has this mindset where i cant rely on anyone. especially men we are with. its like the brain automatically thinks of the worst case scenario and guess what? your subconscious can actually sabotage you such that this becomes a reality. like a self-fulfilling prophecy. growing up, mom also always has this suspicion that my dad was cheating or at least not fully committed to her, even though now that im all grown up im 110% sure dad has never strayed when she was still alive. my dad has epic moral standards.

anyway my mom being this way might actually lead to me always suspecting my guy of not being into me and constantly seeking reassurance that i am loved. but then again who can really blame her? she was born from a mother who had issues as well. my mom is my late grandma's 6th kid and im pretty sure by that time my grandfather had already started to cheat on her with his mistress. so i wont blame my mom for her issues as she was born with it as well. i just dont want this to become a vicious cycle. i have to stay mindful and learn to trust and let go of control. another example of how im similar to my mom is that i cant sleep in fast moving car, feel like i have to keep my eye open in case of crash. she was exactly the same.

dear subconscious, will you help us get better? i want us to be happy.
i dont know what to do i really hope my brain is aware of this enough to not let it get in the way of relationships.

give out positivity, attract positivity

: )

I just did something crazy (well, crazy by my standard) on the plane ride from bangkok to jakarta. So it basically started with me not giving a shit (i literally just forgot all abt it) that my phone clock was slow. so it got me in trouble the 1st time cos I thought still had time to check in through the web when in fact i had overshot the webcheckin time by 3 minutes or something causing me to have to rush to the airport for the manual check in i was all anxious outside tep's apartment waiting ages for cabs and had at least 5 empty ones turn me down. for some reason they wouldnt go to the airport. 

so thank god there was no jam, i arrived and PHEW i made it with quite some time to spare. check in process went smoothly and i was walking around the airport looking for stuff to fill my baggage quota of 10 kg. me being the spaced out being i was simply forgot about the fact that my clock was 6 minutes slow and decided to wait till the last minute to check in. what a fantastic combo right. its like i had a death wish or something. 

so i thought i was pretty much done with shopping and actually thought i still had 3 minutes to spare before the last boarding call. which i think made me 3 minutes late to the actual boarding call. i didnt realise this until i saw a stewardess near the gate kinda holding a sign which had my flight number on it. i didnt even bat an eyelash and kinda asked her, so that way? she went into a panicked mode and kinda told me to step on it and only then did i realise. FUCK, I AM LATE. i basically ran like hell. well or walked very quickly to wherever the sign pointed me to. she was at the back kinda giving me directions to the gate. turned out the gate was pretty fucking far away from where the lady was cos i had to take 2 elevators and made sure i turned the right way. at this point i kinda thanked my lucky star i didnt have moments of direction blindness that usually spring up. crisis = full concentration. basically i made it to the plane kinda apologising half the time. what made it worse was the plane was filled with less than happy passengers. one of the older ladies in jilbab went "mbak'e...mbak'e" and i heard some "wuuus" from the male passengers. pussies. i just went "maaf yaa, jamnya salah" and kinda ignored them cos what other better alternatives are there?

then the fun part came, i was trying to open up the cabin compartment and it turned out to be full. this guy in black blazer and black pants offered to help me lift up my bag to an empty compartment above his. i was so grateful and i thought for a second he was a steward. i kinda checked him out and he was pretty cute. so off to my assigned seat i went. he was basically sitting on the row next to me by himself. i kinda started to mentally construct a plan on how i could talk to him. the seat in my row closest to him was empty so i waited till the plane took off and before the mba2 in the next seat dozed off i kinda just told her to let me go the toilet and i will sit on the other side so i wont disturb her. at this point the guy looked pretty deep into the book he was reading called "willpower". with a lil squeezing and bending i managed to get out of the chair and headed to the toilet. the toilet was occupied then.

surprise surprise, who did i see but the guy kinda behind me and looking friendly. i was going oh u wanna go? he was like go ahead. so i went into the toilet and kinda just peed and tried blotting out some chocolate i had on my dress from an earlier ice cream accident. when i came out i didnt find him so i headed straight to my seat. he wasnt in his. after a while i thought hey, while the toilet is still clean i might as well clean my soiled dress. i headed back to the toilet and there he was walking towards me. he smiled and went "back to the toilet again?" i went yeah and ran off. after i was done from the toilet i found that my way was blocked by the stewardess' food cart. they were apparently serving instant noodles which they have to prepare so i knew i would be blocked for a while. i kinda just moved from empty seats to empty seats and finally ended up on the empty seats behind him. he turned back and smiled and started talking to me. 

i was soooo glad he did cos then we just started talking and even though it was awkward i really liked it. once the stewardess moved her cart i was free to move back to my seat but cos we were still in the middle of talking he kinda moved his stuff and i automatically sat right next to him. i said should i sit in my own seat? i wouldnt wanna impose. then i realised man, if this convo went south its gonna be pretty awkward if i had to move back to my seat. 

anyway we got to chatting and it turned out he was a third culture child like me, singapore, aussie and beijing. whoop. it was pretty nice and my interview came up in the conversation and he went. ok, im gonna interview you now. i was kinda in disbelief, one part out of his niceness and another feeling a little weirded out. i mean a guy you just met for 10 minutes tops giving you a mock interview? first he basically asked me what 3 rules do i have in my life or something. i went: contentment, ethics, kindness or something i think? i cant remember cos it was pretty out of the blue. 

then he went on to analyse those rules and asked me about examples in which i have lived by those rules. he did a pretty thorough job at that. then he went on to ask me 4 questions that are meant to test your logic and fuck i failed like 3 out of 4 of them ahahha. then i got pretty freaked and went so im actually stupid. and i think he went on to explain that i wasnt stupid, that blablaaa. and i kinda forgot where the conversation headed to but at some point we got to the part of our subconscious, and how it was powerful and take up 5/6 of our thinking process. and i did admit to him i am very insecure and have low confidence and shit. anyway at that point i was kinda into him so i went to my flirty mode and just full on admitted that he was hot and that he was distracting me. then more flirting. he was very cool about it but he did seem interested. then we were kinda sending all these vibes and i started questioning him about his past relationships. basically he was cool about us hanging out but didnt know if this is gonna be a long term thing. duh. why did i even ask. i gotta admit looking back at what happened when its all written out made me realise how needy and pathetic i must seem when im coated with love hormones or something like that. it made me kinda become crazy---er than usual haha. and i would never have kinda shamelessly hit on him had my hormone not acted up. i believe. at some point i did tell him i wanna kiss him. yeah crazy. and that the way he was touching my arms is getting me turned on. and at one point he actually was going in for the kiss but i kinda backed away cos i didnt want him to initiate the kiss and i thought my breath was stinking so it wasnt ideal. then on the last few moments on the plane he said he was sleepy and wanted to sleep and i kinda just leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes while listening to music. felt great. lack of sureness, but it was pretty nice. whenever he kinda did his own thing i actually felt kinda put out cos the needy side of me wanted him only to serve me and me only, but now looking back what he did was very normal. and it was pretty weird of me to actually feel uncomfortable with that. whats up with me and falling in lust?! lust goggles!??!

anyway when we got off the plane and was walking towards the shuttle to take us to the airport i said something really mean like "you arent that hot" and he went "im glad you think so" basically a very cool answer. i ended up sitting down and he was standing up in the middle of the bus. when we were about to get off he kinda walked out with a phone in his ear and i went out thinking i might catch him, but i didnt. i felt pretty horrible then cos i thought wow here i am going on separate ways with my instant crush. then i went to the immigration but still couldnt find him. then i was by the baggages area kinda looking for my way out already thinking i wont see him again when i got a text from him telling me to say bye and be kind. i was so happy i get to see him again. turned out he was still back at the immigration i dont even know where he was. 

we walked out the exit holding hands at my initiation and he did break off the hold twice. i didnt like it at all. whats it with me and my crazy attachment issues? anyway he kinda let me get on the cab and told me to text him when i arrived.  

the next day he did text me a hv a nice day text and i simply replied the same thing. he said he was gonna call by friday which is tomorrow and which happens to be valentines day. huh. we will see if he makes good on his promise. he says he keeps his commitments so if he didnt call i think will just text him first.  

man, i wish my brain is a little properly wired when it comes to being intimate. at this point i think it will be safer for myself and my extremely fragile feelings if we start slowly and kinda be friends before doing any making out etc. thing is when im into someone i cant help but wanna jump on them! same goes how i dont wanna jump on anyone im not into. oh man. he was pretty surprised when i told him i am a virgin cos obviously i came on a bit strong and slutty. but i told him my failed romance in the past and he got it. 

i just sometimes wanna listen to what my heart wants without concerns about how i come across. in hindsight i shouldnt probaby do this cos well who wants to come across as slutty right. guys might get scared off. but a part of me thinks this one can handle it which is why i let it all out i guess. now my goal is to take things slow and enjoy his companionship as a friend for a little while. i dont even know if he is into me the way im into him but i get the feeling im more into him than he was. oh well. just my luck.

i just dont wanna crash and burn like the last time cos that feeling fucking sucked.

Doesn't Things..

Doesn't things give a more profound effect when they're written in fancier fonts?

What I Have Realised Over The Years

I've realised I don't have a sense of discipline. I stay inside my comfort zone. i dont like following rules of punctuation to a t. and thats ok, cos thats who I feel like being. I dont bother maintaining this blog, even though my love for food stays the same. and thats fine. anyway im just posting a few stuff down that kinda is just my observation of life in general. they occur in random places, mostly at night cos for some odd reason my brain gets ultra philosophical and ponderie (that aint a word!) in that moment where Im trying to fall asleep. the 2 accounts below was conceived during train rides tho. here goes:

22nd December 2013 (on a train):

I think maturing means sometimes looking past the smaller, more complex and petty aspects of our daily lives and not caring too much or letting ego get in the way. You see life as a big picture now. I just had my first encounter with wisdom today. Pretty liberating. Dad is such a great person and that is my goal now, to make him happy. And I have to put whatever ego behind when dealing with my brother.

31st December 2013 (on a train):

You realise you have matured a little more when you look at the world a little more differently than before. Like discovering a bigger chunk of it, a new sense of understanding. I can't at all say I have understood everything. But I know I have gained a little more perspective than what I had been accustomed to. And I welcome more of such discoveries. It gives me a sense of liberation.

the tweets left untweeted

hi. i made the following tweet drafts if you will, in anticioation of my first blackberry. as you can see im a lousy qwert user as i have chubby thumbs and little key iard. i tery ti leave the this blog pist in all its typid glory to jsur show hgow bad of a typist i an. oh helkl. ehrw goes

1. on my way to attention deeficit fisrder
   
   
2. newfund rspect for older bb users its so had for me to maneuver around this
3. thumb wont cooperare
4. so whats this space for
5. haahhhaaha €€€ala tante tante
6. my jkl key just decided to pop out good thing ive got someting on the side
7. my inner hippie is against bb but my outr conformist is al for me givng in t peer pressure plus my old phone has been acting up so its justifrd yall
8. buckle up your seabelt cos journey to blackberry induced add starts right now€

ww this bb really sucs as i was typing this blog post i cat even get capital letters and symbols booooo

cute