some time ago i listened to a stuff you should know podcast which was telling us about how your personality can be inherited from your parents/grandparents' genes. basically the genetic makeup of that person can actually be passed down to you that makes you the way you are. this applies to physical attributes and also emotional. eg a pregnant mother who got exposed to stress might give birth to a baby who is predisposed to being "on edge"

then yesterday it struck me that this might be the case with me. mom was telling me last time that when she was pregnant with me she had noone accompany her to doctor checkups and she actually went alone to give birth to me. my dad was still in cilacap i think. and if she was thinking the whole time about how alone she was and how she cant rely on anyone, it may be why i grow up to be fiercely independent and has this mindset where i cant rely on anyone. especially men we are with. its like the brain automatically thinks of the worst case scenario and guess what? your subconscious can actually sabotage you such that this becomes a reality. like a self-fulfilling prophecy. growing up, mom also always has this suspicion that my dad was cheating or at least not fully committed to her, even though now that im all grown up im 110% sure dad has never strayed when she was still alive. my dad has epic moral standards.

anyway my mom being this way might actually lead to me always suspecting my guy of not being into me and constantly seeking reassurance that i am loved. but then again who can really blame her? she was born from a mother who had issues as well. my mom is my late grandma's 6th kid and im pretty sure by that time my grandfather had already started to cheat on her with his mistress. so i wont blame my mom for her issues as she was born with it as well. i just dont want this to become a vicious cycle. i have to stay mindful and learn to trust and let go of control. another example of how im similar to my mom is that i cant sleep in fast moving car, feel like i have to keep my eye open in case of crash. she was exactly the same.

dear subconscious, will you help us get better? i want us to be happy.
i dont know what to do i really hope my brain is aware of this enough to not let it get in the way of relationships.

give out positivity, attract positivity

: )